Sheila Walsh...companionship of brokenness

https://youtu.be/WzRuyuQB6f8

Great song for panic attacks

https://youtu.be/k1plcqC9xlk

Song: Our Breath Back (Spontaneous Worship) by Amanda Cook...Bethal music.
On: You Tube

Recognising disrespect and subtle bullying

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/out-the-darkness/201201/slighting-the-dangers-being-disrespected

Forgiveness after abuse

I have come to realise that being bullied is abuse.

I grew up with so much abuse. I was not beaten black and blue but I was still treated in a way that caused much harm.

Joyce Meyer defines it so well.
Abuse is defined as “to be misused, used improperly or to be wasted; to use in such a way as to cause harm or damage; to be treated cruelly.” Any time we are misused or used for a purpose other than what God intended, it’s damaging. And I realize many people can relate to this. 

Because if I have not gotten angry or dealt with how I really feel, how can i go from abuse to forgiveness?".

For more on her testimony see below.

Forgiveness used to be a burden for me as it never came easily. I often wondered why. I had a mean pastor tell me it was because I had a mean spirit or even a demon.
But she too was a bully. 

I once heard a kind pastor tell me
"forgiveness is a journey".
His words set me free.
I have been more kind and patient with myself ever since. Thanks Pastor Terry Creedy.

After all I had 20 straight years of abuse so of course I have many offenders to forgive. Only one has said sorry without any prompting. Another said sorry when confronted. The rest deny it happened.

Forgiveness takes time. I am honestly still working on layers. I am in my 8th session of therapy.
I have PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).
I have only just received therapy for my PTSD starting in May this year.

I agree with what Oprah Winfrey said on abuse
"If you have not gotten angry or dealt with how I really feel, how can you go from abuse to forgiveness?".

Therapy helps me identify it was wrong and it reminds me what God told me 4 years ago when he reveled to my heart I had been bullied for 20 straight year's.
"I never meant that for you" and
"You were always worth more to me than the way they treated you".

The truth is I am worth more than bullying, mistreatment, abuse. So are you!

Trust me it is so empowering and self valuing to finally realise this.

Boundaries come easily when you value yourself. I no longer allow bullies into my life.

I'm about to read a book called:

"Forgiving what you'll never forget" BY: Dr. David Stoop

I'll let you know how it goes. So far so good.

The truth is God can help me and He can help you. We were not designed to live this life alone. He is here for us. He fights for us. Fro our weaknesses and frailties. For those areas of our hearts we just can't seem to put back together again. He holds our broken pieces of our hearts and healing only comes through him.

So I have decided to stop trying so hard to forgive and cast my burdens on him. I can't carry this anymore. What a relief to know God will do it for me. He's got this. He's got my back and yours.

I like dorks and dorky movies!

I just watched a movie on you tube and heard a great quote about dorks.

I really enjoy movies where "dorks" are either highly esteemed or triumph in the end.

Some of my favourites are X-Men, Napoleonn Dynamite and 13 Going On 30.

This movie, Taken Away, was nothing about dorks. It was about an adoption story.

But it briefly referred to a falling in love scene between a previous rebellious teen girl and a confident dorky boy.

The girl told the boy he was a dork.
He did not try to earn her approval even though he was attracted to her. He simply turned too walk away as he did not appreciate her insult.

I loved this scene alone. He had dignity and self respect.

But the girl redeemed herself and said
"I like dorks. Dorks are different. They are free thinkers. They don't follow other's they make their own path."

Wow! Sure wish I was that proud too be a dork when I was in my late teens.

I'm sure proud of it now!

Christian "magical thinking"

I just heard this awesome quote from Patrick Doyle on how Christians often think this common
Thought "it will all work out".

That saying used to bug me when my mum said it.

I mean she's right sometimes it really will all work out and you just need to wait on God and trust him to work on your behalf in whatever difficulty your may be facing.

Other times however, it's really just ignoring the problem. Otherwise known as denial.

Today I had to confront a neighbour over his recent bad behaviour.

My therapist encouraged me to do this. I've had way too many bullies walk all over me and it feels so good to not be that little girl stuck in the middle of home abuse, classroom, church or community bullying.

I have a voice now my therapist reminded me. I can make "safe" choices. I am not stuck with any bully anymore.

Recently my neighbour came over drunk. He sat on our field while our other neighbours were having a party. We have five acres and honestly did not know who he was at first.

We were all concerned. But it got worse once we identified him. He came stumbling over to our yard "drunk as a skunk".

He honestly looked ridiculous. I began to feel fearful. Drunk people trigger my PTSD. As many times my bullies including my brother and uncle were drunk when they emotionally wounded me.

He began to argue with my husband and I over petty things like gardening and when we should put our kids to bed.

He pulled a dead chipmunk out of his back pack in front of my kids telling us his dog killed it.

Ah not ok! My mummy bear alarm bells are going off now.

Needless to say his dog often comes over with him unannounced and we have free range chickens and cats to think of.

This guy really needed some boundaries! Since we did not have any physical boundaries around our farm like a fence I had to do it verbally.

I decided to write him a letter. Rather than comfront him in person. I took Patrick Doyle's advice on this one. Then I did not have to be present for his reaction. Plus hopefully he could read it while sober.

I told him he was NOT to come over unannounced, bring his dog or come drunk.

I have my kid's and animal's to protect. Plus myself. Jeremy sometimes goes out of town for a few weeks for work. So I did not want him coming over while I was alone with my kid's.

It felt good to be honestly firm. To no longer be a doormat.

As Patrick Doyle says.."if you don't deal with the conflict in the relationship it's not going to get better on it's own".

I think I am really coming out of this so called
"Christian magical thinking". Sadly this is so common in churches and either preached or implied from the pulpit.
Patrick referred to these common statements.
"The Lord will fix it"  or
"The Lord will take care of it".
Which is really spiritualising denial.

I highly recommend Patrick Doyle's talk on
You Tube called "Difficult Relationships".

It set me free to confront in love when needed!

"Fitting in" is OVERRATED!!

I have just decided I am going to give up the need to "fit in".

This has been a long time struggle for me. I have desperately longed to fit in from kindergarten to high school.
Yet never seemed to feel as though I did.

Thankfully I always had at least one friend. Mostly a few who were often in the bottom ranks of the popularity chain with me.

Don't ya hate "popularity hierarchy's" in schools!

Especially for the perpetual dorks like myself. Those who were bullied. Sometimes left out on purpose.

Recently I have been looking up people from my graduating high school year of 1998. It's our 20 year reunion this year. Crazy 20 year's!

It's been hard for me to look people up. Interesting, yet hard. I'm trying to heal from PTSD. I'm trying to find healing for the deepest parts of my heart that were bullied and rejected.

Thankfully this high school was the "safest" school out of all of them.
Yet I was still called a geek at times. Still picked on and ostracized by my peers from my childhood town.
I was still left out or rejected by primary school friend's who had somehow climbed their way up the popularity chain and were ashamed of me at high school.

I began to feel afraid to go to sleep. I have been having constant nightmares for 2 months now. Ever since I began therapy for the first time for my PTSD.

I was eating too much before bed out of a need too numb these old wounds that I had burried so deep in my heart and soul I had no idea how to process them.

I stopped following the Facebook group.

Then God in his goodness touched my heart with this revelation. I knew it was him. He is the only one who touches my pain with this depth of healing.

Nobody can possibly fit in with everyone all the time!

So I'm going to let that dangerous expectation go. I've held onto this belief and standard that I am not ok until everyone likes me for far too long.

But that's totally unrealistic and unfair to myself.

I'm going to release myself from the pressure of this lie!

God has given me beautiful friend's in both Australia and America.
Also a few in Scotland.

He has blessed me with faithful heart to heart friend's who no longer abandon me for a more popular crowd.
I have their back and they have mine.

Good bye "fitting in" lie.
I don't need you anymore.
I never did.