A New layer of healing

Recently an old friend from my first High School found me on Facebook. It was wonderful for him to remember me and remember our friendship.  Just to be called a best friend was so nice after all the pain I went through of not fitting in and being bullied.

After messaging each other back and forth and filling each other in on the last 21 years he asked me something I at first was reluctant to do. He asked me to pull out our old year books and take pics of all of the classes in year's 8 and 9. 

At first I was embarrassed. I had to tell him I've penned stars next to, my worst bully's names. I told him I was a bitter teenager and tried to laugh it off, well virtually speaking. He said he did the same thing with his year books, but he had lots them and wanted to find some of our old class mates & friends. I guess he had more friend's than me I thought!

SO off I went to fetch my year books. I had recently pulled them out to take a pic of Terry's class for him. But to go through all the classes for both year levels was a different feeling. A feeling you get when you are about to go into a place that once caused you much pain and rejection. Those old "not good enough for them' feeling began to wash over me.

As I began to take pics I realized in order for Terry to read the names I would have to white out my stars that covered much of their names and carefully write their names neatly in place of my deep penned marks of honest and I thought at the time justified, hatred. Well can ya blame me they were really mean!! I almost committed suicide over those bullies!

As I went to carefully erase my unforgiveness marks, suddenly I decided to look one of them up on Facebook. Not a bully, but a friend who was my friend at lunchtime but not in class he went onto watch everyone pick on me and pretend he wasn't my friend. As I looked him up, there was a look of sadness in his now 34 year old face. I read on to find he was now single and seemed to have two young kids. Then suddenly it dawned on me. Maybe I could erase my marks and frgive them just as Jesus had done for me. Maybe I could really pray for them and let it all go. Let them off my strong wired hook of angry unfogiveness that I had help onto for so long.

Maybe this could be my moment of freedom. Freedom that comes when you truly forgive and decide to let it go. So off I went. I rewrote their names and prayed for them. I may never, ever see them again or even get a hint of an apology from any of them but it is time to heal.

This felt fantastic. For all those adults who were bullied or picked on in many or in my case most of their schooling years I can highly recommend this. To pray for them. Sometiems, like me there may ne many bullies. I was honeslty biullied bu my whole, entire year 8 class. Plus many form other classes. I was honestly the most unpopular girl in all of year 8. In all classes A-E. 

You know the pain will not just magically dissapear. A wise old Pastor friend once told me forgiveness is a journey. I found my mind wondering back to those mean kids and I seriously considered sending them all a Facebook message and telling them how much pain they caused me. How much they really hurt and that I almost killed myself over their mean words and cruel behaviour.

But I decided to save my energy to tell others who were bullied. It's not easy but you can forgive. WIth God's help you really can heal. You can be set free form the bondage and strong grips of bitterness and unforgivenss.

It's funny, but as much as they hurt me I've decided to protect their identity. I amd not going to mention the school it was or any of their names. I know I wanted to scream it fromt eh roof tops once upon a time.

So give it a go. When you are ready. Go over those picture and ask God to help you forgive and pray for them. Pray they find God. Pray they have become good people iin this world. Pray they teach their children to be kind and not repeat thier mistakes.

But most of all remember, what very they said, for me it was rebel, ugly, geek, nerd etc. It's not true. You are ot what they said you are.

You are beautifully and wonderfully made. Please beleive it dear friend. Look up to the one who made you and find your worth in Him and who He says you are. It will change your life. I promise it will. it did for me!

When I see a group of teenagers

I don't know about you, but when I see a group of teenagers I freeze. There is something inside me that wants to run the other way and very quickly!

It has gotten better thanks to many years of counselling. The once was fear has now turned to nervous. Which thankfully, is a whole lot more livable.

Scared was an understatement. I was terrified. It used to be so bad that my hands began to shake and my lips began to quiver if I attempted to talk. Sometimes my head would start to shake and my breathing would grow fast. I did not know it for a long time but I think I suffered form regular panic attacks. My palms got sweaty and clammy faster than I could say boo.

As someone who has been picked on/ bullied for many years, 20 in fact. This was something I have become used to. It became a part of me. Like living with your brother's tempermental cat. You just learn to live with it. I thought maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm just shy.

Before I had kids I would try to manage my social anxities. In my late teens and early twenties, I would go to the toilet often and pray. I would try excuse myself and go and get a drink and hope to dear God my hands did not shake as I was pouring a drink. Parties were the hardest. Painfully people noticed it a few times and asked are you ok? You look lost I would often get. Or are you worried about. Or worse, which always made me feel embarraessed for something I barely understood let alone could control, someone would tell me, in front of others. Lighten up Catherine, what's wrong?? I hated that responce the most!

How I tried to brush it off. Desperatly I tried. It even eased for many years when I moved to the USA. That was right after my 20 years of bullying ended, at 23, when I had left a church of much Pastor and leadership abuse.  I had a new set of friends and I had listened to a sermon many times over on Dignity and worth. Thanks Jim Richards, your preaching was the beginning of my healing journey!

But when you are bullied and or picked on for 20 years in a row. Thoughts don't just magically decide to hop themselves onto a healthier thought train. Oh if only it was that easy. No my thoughts were deeply trenched in a deep highway of of rejection.

When I moved back to Asutralia after living in the USA for 7 years, marrying and having 2 kids I had to face the pain of my past I though was long buried and forgotten.

I especially noticed my reemerging fears one day while shopping in K Mart. I was the moment when my son, only 6 at the time looked up at me while holding his hand, My sweet tender hearted boy asked with great concearn on his face are you ok Mummy?? I did not realise but I had stood in the shop holding his hand, with my 4 year old daughter almost out of sight, frozen watching a group of teens walk by laughing. My thoughts raced to many toxic conclusions. "They are laughing at me", They think something is wrong with me. I turned red. My hand grew sweaty and without my permission my emotions took over my brain and my physical responces were all screaming the same alarm. Danger, Danger. Run. Run!  I think my jaw quivered as I answered him with a shaky voice. Yes Mummy is ok, but where is Lucy?

There it was again. Those panic attacks had returned. Surely not. I was 34 by then. Haven't I moved past this? Not again. Please God not again. I am a Mum now. I don't have the time for this.

After chatting with my Pastor, well bursting into tears with him I took his recommendation and headed back to counselling. I had gotten some councelling already. But it was short. I needed some deep, extensive professional help.

My councellor soon after hearing me tell her about my K Mart incident told me what I thought it was. A mild panic attack. But she told me some further information I found shocking to hear. Surely not. Not me! Were my thoughts.  She informed me that I had mild post traumatic stress syndrome. What?! I remember thinking! That was for people who have gone through war, or a natural disaster, or were physically or sexually abused. Not me. I did not think what I had experinced qaulified me for that diagnosis! 

I remember condeming thoughts coming in. Trying to argue myself out of her prediction I told myself I was too sensitive. After all I ahd been told that many times. I was just too insecure. 

It took a long time, but finally I gave myself permission to be someome who had PTSD. I mean after all I had suffered 20 years of abuse. Starting at just 2 or 3. How in the world was I supposed to not fall into PTSD. Looking abck now it shows me my brain and emotions are working perfectly fine. I ahev just learned to listen more closely to my inner girl voice, rather than ignore it, condemen it, boss it around or deny it.

My counsellor, Marion Sorrenson, went onto gently explain when I see a group of teenagers or even feel that fear when I walk into a group of any size or situation including school or chruch, teh frontal cortex of my brain tells me I am in danger. Because, in the past in many group situations, emotionally and sometimes even physically speaking I really was in danger. The frontal cortex of my brain was giving me fight or flight signals. It was trying to protect me. My memoreies were locked in the past of many years of being a dork, or being a reject. Of being the brunt of other kids or teens jokes.

Sadly when the bullying happens at home, by a brother much older than you, there is nowhere to run. In the classroom when you are laughed at, there is no place to hide or secape. In church, when it is your Pastor telling you all that is wrong with you , there is nowere to go if you believe her that if you do you are in disobedience to God and to her, who apparently had authority over you.

Tragically, to the sacrifice of my own emotional health, sense of worth and respect, I learned to be stuck. I just got used to being trapped in the abuse and pain. But my body never liked it and I developed severe anxiety and depression which eventually lead to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

I have learned so much since then. Most of all I have learned to be kind to myself. To live like I am not scared. Even though, to be honest I still am, just a little. Sometimes more. But the fears no longer consume me. It has been years since I have stood frozen in a public place with sweaty palms and a quivering jaw. 

I am able to walk up to church with great joy, rather than fearing rejection or harsh condemnation from the Pastor. My new Pastor is awesome. He is my friend. He respects me, believes in me and is kind. Teenagers is still a bit of a challenge. But I can smile at them and remind my older, wiser self, that they are young and giggle a lot. That's just what they do and will always do. Especially teen girls. It is not about me. I am ok and so are they. They are no longer my enemy. I am not as defensive or edgy.

So here's more hope to add to those like me who were the lowest of the low on the popularity chain. Your heart can heal. It really can. I will never forget the pain. Never. Honestly, there are still times I walk into a group of people and feel out of place and scared. Intimidated. Afraid I will be greeted with rejection and scornful faces. It happened just the other day at a church leaders meeting. My hands even got a little clammy. My fearful predictions barely happen though, not anymore. And I have learned to love myself even if they do.. But It is a new catapult for me to help others like you. Rather than it being a bondage that hold me back and keep my personality in chains.

Oh and another thing. I am on the ushers team at church! Would you believe it. SHY little old former me, now boldly stands at the front of church and welcomes people in. A LOT of people. I even hand out delicate communion trays and offering buckets to a crowd of people without shaky hands. Nothing spills or drops. Woohoooo. I give all the victory to God and very Godly, wise counselling!!

Comparisons

I recently came across an incredible devotional written by Jennifer Jukes Lee, from Proverbs 31 Ministries.

I've often struggled with comparisons. When you grow up being an outsider and not fitting in, esp with the popular crowd, it's common to be obsessed with comparisons. I remember studying these so called 'cool' people and desperately trying to be like them. But if course it never worked. I was designed to be myself.

In my earlier years I would pretend to be them in my alone Play. Or I would imagine the cool kid was watching me and pretend to do something cool to earn thier acceptance.

My needs and desires for Acceptance desperately consumed me. Comparisons became an addiction and a regular way of thinking.

I'm not completely free from it now, but I've come along way and feel a while lot more comfortable in my own skins. I hope the following quotes blesses more than just me out there. Hello freedom! 😋

August 30, 2016

How to Supersize Your Happiness Today
JENNIFER DUKES LEE

“That means we will not compare ourselves with each other as if one of us were better and another worse. We have far more interesting things to do with our lives.” Galatians 5:26a (MSG)

At the root, we’re playing comparison games. The apostle Paul called comparison what it really is: pointless. “That means we will not compare ourselves with each other as if one of us were better and another worse. We have far more interesting things to do with our lives” (Galatians 5:26a).

If we want to be happier today, let's stop wishing for someone else's life and discover happiness in the life we have. We begin be halting comparison."

Let’s see others as imperfect people going through some of the same challenges we are. Comparison is rooted in idealizing people rather than humanizing them.

Furthermore, let’s say another woman gets what we want. We could actually be genuinely happy for her. Our happiness is automatically limited if we can be happy only for those dearest to us.

Let’s not wait until we come across an old photo, only to realize we walked right past the happy that was in front of us all along.

Sister, go easy on yourself. You are a person — not a machine! You don’t have to work so hard for the happiness that’s already yours.

Let this be our declaration:

I am a person.

I am not a machine, spreadsheet, agenda or résumé.

I have a heartbeat, skin, scars and a soul.

I am a person.

My worth isn’t calculated in efficiencies, results or ladders climbed. I am not the sum of my accomplishments — or the sum of my mistakes. I am not my ambition, energy level, approval rating, mass appeal or worth to the company store. I am not an A-plus or D-minus. I am not a mess or a miscalculation.

I am not a mistake. Rather, I am a miracle. And so are you.

Because I am a person, made of love in the hands of God.

I will be a person today. I will be me. I will resist the urge to believe I’ve got to fight for my piece; God says there’s more than enough to go around.

I will see the best in others and recognize the best in myself.

I will reach for virtue more than trophies, dignity more than stardom. I will choose encouragement over envy. I will rejoice with those who rejoice.

I will stand tall on the inside, even if I’m feeling weak on the outside.

TRUTH FOR TODAY:
Galatians 6:4, “Pay careful attention to your own work, for then you will get the satisfaction of a job well done, and you won’t need to compare yourself to anyone else.” (NLT)