Yet to take a kind look back at my life with understanding eyes, as if to pretend I was a counselor looking into my own life, it is easy to see why my past still haunts me in my sleep. It haunts me at times during the day too. Although it is getting better.
You see childhood bullying does not just end in the school yard but it continues for years and it is so hard to overcome. Negative words cause incredible damage to your soul and self worth. Even if they were in my past. In my case I was not just bullied at school but it began at home at a tender age of 3. It continued onto school and in my local town and then in church till the age of 23. That's 20 years of straight bullying and I have decided to allow myself time to heal. I have given myself permission to hurt so my hurt will one day help others and serve as a warning to those who have the power to stop it.
The beginning of this year I was invited to a reunion for the kids I grew up with in my home town. It was for the kids who went to the two primary schools in the 90's. I was honored to be invited by my friend Jenny who although fit in really well through school was not ashamed to be my friend as unpopular as I was. I love her for that. I had many friends who were my friend in private but in public shunned me. But not Jenny.
The invitation came just two months after I lost my mother. I was already raw. I, at the time decided to go so I could proove myself and to others I was not afraid of these kids anymore. Kids now adults whom, to my knowledge and recent experience have mostly grown up to be great, kind and considerate adults. My husband warned me this was not a good idea. What if just one or two of them are still jerks. Or still look down on you or reject you then you will invite even more pain back into your like. Adding insult to very deep injured wounds. He had a good point. But I thought I needed to not just proove to myself that they do not have any power over me anymore but also to proove to them that I have grown into a well rounded adult myself and I am happy with my life and how it has turned out so far.
I also thought it would make great story writing material as I am writing a book after all. I don't want it to be boring. I want to be a hero in my own story. One who faces her fears head on with head held high. I wanted to make my readers proud and give them the confidence to face their past bullies too.
This was all great in theory, yet it did not stop my anxieties. And as much as I was willing to face my fears while still afraid I realised it is just not wise for me right now. Maybe my nightmares are a kind way of warning my self conscious that I am just not ready yet. Not in a big group. I have just lost my mother. Although she passed away almost 6 months ago, grief takes time. It just that. And I would be kidding myself to think my heart can handle this right now. I am not even ready to hang out with my own friends in a group who I know love and care about me and truly love me for who I am, yet alone old peers who I never fit in with.
Am I for real???
I am glad I "woke up" so to speak and had a reality check. It is ok to not go. It really is. I am still brave. Just not stupid. They will also be drinking and I feel incredibly threatened when people start to get tipsy or worse drunk. I have had way too many experiences with family members in the past with either getitng silly or angry when drunk to the point where I can not even smell alcohol without wanting to heave. This was part of my past of bullying too. So I would be facing two fears without any idea how it will turn out. Nope. This sort of scene is not for me. It never will be.
Another trigger to these rejection nightmares was my old Pastor. Who too was a bully. Probably my worst one as I did not expect it form her. She was to most deceptive. The most damaging by fay. Just a week ago and before that I have drove past her chruch sign. Cringing at what damage she is still doing to other poor unsespecting souls. God in all His goodness encouraged me to pray for the church and for it to close down. I almost fought God on this. I did not want to pray for this church that caused me so much pain and at times almost cost my relationship with God himself. was God for real?? Yes He was. So I prayed. Thinking it was useless yet hoping it would make a difference. ANd amazingly the church is about to close down. Praise God! I found this out through a recent message from an old church member who used to bully me herself through this Pastor yet later appologised. I appreciate her for that. I have only ever received two apologies form the many who have bullied me in my past.
So it is no wonder these old bad dreams are creeping back into my sleep again. With my looming reunion approaching soon in June and also the closing down of an old emotionally and spiritually abusive church.
To top it all off I had old family friends bring up and even joke about how my older brother and friends used to bully me right before Mum died and even on the day of her funeral! Sigh. :-(
And I sometimes wonder to myself, will I ever heal. Will the pain from my past stop sneaking into my present? Will it ever stop haunting me? Maybe it won't. Maybe it will. But I can encourage you reader that the pain does get less painful. The sting does fade. But it will never completely go away. I don't want it too. I am not going to allow this pain to be wasted. I long for it to encourage others and give them hope that it truly does get easier with time. Even if the past does rear its ugly head.
As I ponder on these raw heart questions I look to God. Who is a good, kind and loving Father. He is faithfully invested in my pain. He is interested in my road to healing. More than anyone else is.
I woke up from these bad dreams and found these uplifting verses. Which anchored my heart back into the reality that He is with me. God will never leave me or forsake me. Never. I can count on Him. He chooses me. I am accepted in Him. I am dearly loved and considered equal. A precious treasure as He knows how many hairs are on my head.
These verses help me to wait on God. For Him to heal my pain and for him to use my pain for his glory. I am waiting on seeing how he will find a purpose for my pain.
Just like it says in this verse. In Psalms 138:8 (NLT)
"The Lord will work out His plans for my life-for your faithful love, O Lord endures forever,"
Liz Danielson, my grief counselor told me God had placed this verse on her heart right after I asked her to pray for God to use my pain for a purpose. How good is that! God certainly has my heart in his hands and he has yours too. Just ask Him. He will be there for you and show himself faithful to you too.
I also came across a few other healing verses. Which were such good timing after my nightmares. These verses also grounded my heart in how closely the Lord is with me. How much he cares. I mean really cares. He is close to my broken heart.
When I feel ashamed at my past, which bullying does invite so much shame I often remind myself of
Psalm 34:5. You see the reason why bullying invites so much destructive shame is that it often questions your self worth, well it did in my case and I am sure it has for countless others as bullying causes you to ask yourself these terrible questions;
*What's so wrong with me that they would choose to hurt me?
*Why am I not worth being kind too?
*Why am I not worth standing up for?
*Why am I not worth keeping as a friend even around the popular kids?
Yep it is those above questions that are some of the many I have asked myself endlessly over the years. They have become so familiar I forgot they were not healthy. Or worse yet I did not realise they were bad until the Lord revealed them to me at 33 years old! They have dangerously formed my negative self worth and echoed into my self talk until it became a normal way of thinking.
This is why I type this out. To reveal the dangers that lie behind a bullied heart that does not seek healing. I have been there myself. I have hid form healing. I have even had that old mean Pastor tell me, that was years ago Catherine, you should be over that by now. All the while she herself was bullying me. Boy was she wrong. Words are powerful and they hurt. Nobody walks out of being bullied without it doing some damage. I don't care who you are. Or what personality type you have. If you have been beat down on bad words from others and hurtful actions even physical harm which I have experienced both, it is impossible to walk out of this un-scared.
So please form one former bullied person to another please seek help. Please get counselling. Please tell someone and cry out to God as He really does hear your prayers. I promise you with all my heart He does. He did for me and He will for you.
Psalm 22:24 "For He has not ignored the suffering of the needy. He has not turned and walked away. He has listened to their cries for help."
